it has been a while

Hey all of you still hanging in there and still follows my workouts and my website.

I am sorry for being inkognito for a while. I really needed it, and for some extend still do. Since I did my last workout (october 2016)  I have had a turbulent and hard life healthwise that I will share with you all. I will start by appoligizing for my language. It is difficult to explain something very personal in another language, so have that in mind while you read this. Some words are difficult to translate from danish to english, but felt that I needed to do this in english because I have a lot of non-danish followers.

I don’t know if it is because I feel like I need to explain to you all why I have been ‘away’, or it just is to get it out and it will make me feel better about my time being away from my live-workouts, my website and so on.

Have had a lot of pains and bloating in my stomach/abdomen and at the same time, I had this feeling of being TIRED. Like so tired I needed to sleep during the day. On top of this I had this new job, where I didn’t get that feeling of being appreciated and was in some extend treated like ‘air’ by the staff and my boss. It felt so discouraging and made me feel bad about my self and my ability to do my job. I have always thought that as long as I was ME and honest to my self and to the people around me, everything would be all right. I know that you cannot control what others will think or do, and that it is often not your fault or anything you do or did, but something within that person to deal with. I usually are able to handle that, but due to my tiredness and feeling bloated and not all well in my body, it really got to me. It took my breath away and the rest of my mental strength. It hit me like a wall and it was hard for me to deal with. I don’t know if I was aware of these problems when they actually happened, but now I see and understand what it did to me.  Then our house got sold, we got a new home in Copenhagen, we moved there mid of december and I got a new job in Copenhagen started January 2017. And then the terrible thing happened between christmas and new years eve…. my doctor talked about cancer and that my pains and symptoms could be cancer (in my closest family we have four incidents of cancer)  They did a CT-scan and found a 3 cm thing in me, that could be cancer. That for me was the worst experience EVER. Waited two days before I had some new examinations and I didn’t sleep almost at all, I cried A LOT, and had all these horrible thoughts about how to tell my daughter about it, and leaving my husband, my parents…… OMG that was just so hard.

Started my new job and then it happened. I broke down. Three days in my new job, felt like nobody ‘saw’ me, just thrown into a new job, with no or little experience in that field and felt like I was misplaced, and just felt lost. Lost in life, and profession and all my dreams of a new exciting life in Copenhagen, felt suddenly so far away. I felt like just hiding away somewhere and just cry…. I felt miserable and unhappy.

My body was certainly not happy and either was my mind. In the meantime up till today, they (doctors) have searched high and low and found nothing on any scans or examinations. So for now I’m cancer-free and it was probably nothing else than a 3 cm poob in my intestinse (not spelled right but hope you understand). But the whole experience threw me down HARD and now I have a doctors sentence ; stress. New job, moving away after 13 years in one place called home, new home, and cancer-possibilty….. not a good combo.

I had another stressdiagnose in 2012 so I recognised all the signs and are aware of listening to my body. So for now I’m at home, just wondering what went wrong, and what to do about it….trying to let go of control…. over time I know it will happen, but accept that my body is telling me to let go of control and just accept and breathe.

I know due to my many years of working out, what is does to your mind and body. I still am bloated and having a new appointment with a specialist in 14 days from now. Maybe he can bring some new informations, or tell me what or what not to eat, eat, do, not do 🙂 I wont just accept my body’s reaction…. it IS telling me something. Just can’t understand or find the reason… yet. But are recommended by my doctor to not push my self to workout, or hit myself in the head when I do not get any workouts done. Haven’t worked out almost once since October, and know it is so good for my body AND mind when I do, but have to accept that it is not alpha omega for my health in general. I need to eat healthy which I didn’t do in the last two months of 2016. Just let go and ate what I wanted. Just like a comfort thing, and all it did, was make me even more miserable about my self body and mind. SIGH did all the things I knew was bad for me, and did it any way. What a rolemodel I am 😉

So just to sum it up, I have started eating healthy again, and slowly brings fitness back into my daily life. I do some knee raises, dips, pull ups, bicycle rides (20km), running stairs in our building. Due to all the examinations my body are not back to full function, but getting there slowly. Accepting that I have all the time in the world. When the doctor told me I was cancer-free it felt like I am getting a second chance, a new start, a new life. I better get the best out of every day I get. Life is a gift and every day it is about being thankful for still being able to breathe, love, cry, see, feel and accept that some day IT WILL be my turn to leave, but when you are absolutely aware of that, will bring things in perspective.

Again sorry for the language and explanations in english. SO difficult when it is personal stuff but hope you get my overall picture of what has happened.

I know that I will get back into my fitness level in time. And some day maybe even a video or more 😉 from my balcony or my rooftop of the building. I have that already planned, but not sure when 🙂 maybe when the weather is a bit better. Snow and cold weather here at the moment. See you

Hugs and love from me.

7 kommentarer

  • admin

    Hey Lena <3 <3
    Thank you for being so sweet and honest. I really needed to hear that I'm not alone. Not that I'm happy others are struggeling too, but that someone actually understand what I'm going through. So THANK YOU and I hope and pray that you will too find recovery and get back on track.
    I have just started doing HIIT again... in my new home 3-4 times a week, and it makes me feel better and will start running again next week. Know that it is not only good for your body health but most importantly it is good for my mental state......And BTW know exactly what you mean about the toxic people. What they can do to you and your self-image / mood. I really need to let go of the things I cannot change, accept them or ignore and just focus on the positive things and amazing people that are around me, but just couldn't see it/ them because of all the 'crab' around me and my body health was getting worse. My stomach are not a huge and bloated as just one week ago.... don't know still why it behaves like that, just know and see that it is getting better. Need to find a job that makes me happy and give me a feeling of being appreciated and accepted as me...I have this feeling that it was my jobsituation that made my stomach bloated and painfull. Just stunned that my mental health affects my body so much.
    I'm not the patient type 😉 and really need to learn how to breathe and take small steps.... arrrggg just need to fix things right away. Hm....
    Hope you are doing all right and to hear from you again soon. You are my workout 'friend' from cyberspace, and are happy that we stay connected in some way 🙂

  • admin

    Hej Mie og tusind tak for din response her på min hjemmeside…. Det betyder mere end du aner at blive mødt med støtte og søde hilsener. Jeg er glad for at høre at du stadig træner og at du træner de gamle har Dorthe godt nævnt for mig. At du er mere til de danske udgaver. Jeg er heldigvis begyndt at træne igen og lige pt bliver det ca 3-4 gange ugentlig og overvejer faktisk at begynde at løbe lidt.
    Jeg håber at jeg kommer helt tilbage på sporer, men har godt nok lige været nede og bide i jorden her på det sidste.
    Men som du siger så er der masser af træninger at tage af, så du er holdt igang alligevel 🙂 Knus til dig og tak endnu en gang fordi du tog dig tid til at skrive til mig. P

  • Lena

    Hi Pernille, thank you for sharing your story with us, although it is not a happy or funny story, but something rather sad and deeply moving. I hope you will find your happy place soon, a good relationship with your body, your mind and also that you will find a job where people would appreciate how amazing person you are. You know, I have been fighting with tiredness, bloating, sickness etc. since last year, for a long time, I have visited many doctors, no one told me what is the cause..I am still searching, The “funny” thing is that when I don´t workout, I actually feel a bit better, at least the bloating is less visible. Well, I don´t want to talk about myself, but what I wanted to say is that you are not alone with this, you haven´t done anything wrong, things just happen. You have to keep on fighting and trying to find what works for you. It is a long way, but at the end of it you will find your lucky solution, I am sure about that. Sometimes the first thing you need to thing of is getting rid of toxic people, not toxic food or behavior or anything. I see how those people can really affect how I feel and they can really put you down, for no obvious reason. It is really all connected – mind, body, social surrounding. When one part is sick, others become sick as well. Oh, there´s so much I´d like to tell you, but I am not going to overwhelm you with my thoughts. Get all the rest you need, sleep, play, enjoy little things, be as awesome as you have always been. Be patient. xoxo, Lena.

  • Rikke Andersen

    Søde P.
    Tusind tanker til dig. Svære ord at få ned, SÅ personligt. Men dejligt du deler dem….frygteligt at gå i uvished, men du er SÅ fuld af glæde og liv, så positiv, det skal nok gå😊
    Skriver lige til dig en af dagene
    Knus “Mogens”

  • Mie

    Hej Pernille, tak for din historie. Den minder mig om hvor betydningsfulde vi mennesker er for hinanden, vores handlinger påvirker andre som ringe i vandet hver dag, så vigtigt at vi ser og passer på hinanden, hver eneste dag. Jeg vil lade dig vide at jeg stadig laver dine træninger 2-4x ugentligt. Jeg kan bedst lide de gamle træninger du lavede, og der er jo masser at tage af så det gør ikke noget der ikke kommer nye. Du har gjort et kæmpe stykke arbejde, som mange kan have glæde af i meget lang tid. Godt gået med arbejdet med at få det godt igen, mega respekt herfra! Stort knus Mie

  • admin

    Thank you Ann louise. Means the world to me to get this feedback. I am over the worst part and just working on getting my health back to normal (for me) 😉 Huge hugs from me

  • Ann louise

    You have been missed. But I love to hear/read, that your thinking about yourself, og trying to get a foot down.
    I am a trustet fan, an you inspired me, too fight harder for my self.
    No matter what you are fighting, just now, that this is very important, that you thinking about you.
    You have family and friends around you, that love you, and will fight with you. You are you. And cancer or what ever it is, Can NOT take that from you

    Love Ann louise

Skriv et svar

Din e-mailadresse vil ikke blive publiceret. Krævede felter er markeret med *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.